There are many reasons I had in mind while choosing the name "Seeking Simplicity" for my blog, but the one I am faced with daily is the reality that so many people know me, my family and our story (I am speaking about Haley of course). I don't think I ever intended for this to happen to this capacity, but at the time I had two goals in mind and that was 1. To do everything possible to spread awareness for Cystic Fibrosis and 2. To keep people posted on Haley's condition, not only to lift the burden off of Rich and I as far as phone calls and such, but to also ask for much needed prayers!! I will start off by saying, I would never change either of those decisions.....but because of the openness of our story, I am truly seeking some type of simplicity in this area now.
I know I have many "eyes" on me, so to speak....not only because of Haley's story, but also because I am now a business owner in Owasso. I can't even begin to tell you all of the e-mails, CB post, FB messages, letters in the mail, phone calls and so forth that I have received over the past 2 years from people who "look up / admire" me for all I have gone through and how I carry myself. The only answer I truly have for that is God!! He has given me strength that I never knew I had, to somewhat "hold it together", over the past 2 years. I gain much of my strength from my family and even more strength from my friends. But truth be told....I am only human just like everyone else. I was given the strength to be strong throughout a very difficult time in my life and for that, I am very grateful!!
But as time passes, I truly want to "step off of this pedestal" so to speak that I was forced to step onto. Go back to the simple way of life. Go into a restaurant without 10 people staring at me from the door to my seat. Run into the grocery store and grab my milk and bread without being stopped in the isle 1/2 way through. This list could go on and on....but before I go too far, I want you all to realize this...
These are the people that have helped me through this TERRIBLE ordeal in my life. I don't want any of this to be taken wrong!! My main objective or goal in this post is to let everyone know that I just want to be "The Simple Girl". Just Me.., Jennifer!!
Many of you probably know...I am a huge Facebook Junkie. I have met some wonderful followers on there and have found lots of things in common with people who knew me....long before I knew them! It has been great getting to know these people, but I guess I am sometimes worried that my "FB Image" won't live up to the "Caring Bridge Image". I had to be someone I never thought I would have to be on the Caring Bridge. A mother, who was in her deepest darkest hours taking care of her daughter who didn't stand a chance of surviving this damn disease we call CF! I hope I found a way to do it with dignity and grace along the way, but reality is....I am still just a person!
Like I said before in my blogging, it is sink or swim for my husband or I. We do a lot of "surface thinking" to try and keep going everyday!! I have found somewhat of a new lifestyle as I am enjoying new things in life with Rich & Brenna and spending a lot more time with friends and just "living" a bit!
I often hesitate about things I do or pics I put on FB because I don't want people to "judge" me in case it's not what they expected from what they "knew before", but then I tell myself....this is me and I am who I am!!!!
For instance my "Weight a Minute" blog post.....HUGE, HUGE out of my box post!!! But again...that is my story and my true friends will still like me for who I am now just as they did then!!
Hopefully the "new" me that is beginning to show through will be accepted by all of my friends and followers. I am trying to find a new way of life, because I do know....it will NEVER be the same as the life I had before Haley left this world......
I have said it many time....I would take that life style back in a heartbeat, but no matter how hard I beg for it back...it will never be reality!
While talking to a dear friend tonight, I believe I realized that it is probably not any of you who are making me feel guilty about "moving forward", but more so...my own guilt inside. I know this is what Haley would have wanted for our family, but no one will ever know how very hard it is to start this new life unless you have walked in these shoes!! After living for 35 years...you simply have to "start all over" one day!! I hate facing this life after loss, but it is what it is and I have have one of 2 choices!! I just pray I am making the right decision!!!
I love this song and it is exactly the way I have been trying to live my life lately! I hope you all continue to follow me on this new journey! Again...It is YOU and God who have carried me this far.....
Hanging in Hongdae
2 months ago