Monday, March 8, 2010

I Love Being Me...(or at least I am trying!)

There are many reasons I had in mind while choosing the name "Seeking Simplicity" for my blog, but the one I am faced with daily is the reality that so many people know me, my family and our story (I am speaking about Haley of course). I don't think I ever intended for this to happen to this capacity, but at the time I had two goals in mind and that was 1. To do everything possible to spread awareness for Cystic Fibrosis and 2. To keep people posted on Haley's condition, not only to lift the burden off of Rich and I as far as phone calls and such, but to also ask for much needed prayers!! I will start off by saying, I would never change either of those decisions.....but because of the openness of our story, I am truly seeking some type of simplicity in this area now.

I know I have many "eyes" on me, so to speak....not only because of Haley's story, but also because I am now a business owner in Owasso. I can't even begin to tell you all of the e-mails, CB post, FB messages, letters in the mail, phone calls and so forth that I have received over the past 2 years from people who "look up / admire" me for all I have gone through and how I carry myself. The only answer I truly have for that is God!! He has given me strength that I never knew I had, to somewhat "hold it together", over the past 2 years. I gain much of my strength from my family and even more strength from my friends. But truth be told....I am only human just like everyone else. I was given the strength to be strong throughout a very difficult time in my life and for that, I am very grateful!!

But as time passes, I truly want to "step off of this pedestal" so to speak that I was forced to step onto. Go back to the simple way of life. Go into a restaurant without 10 people staring at me from the door to my seat. Run into the grocery store and grab my milk and bread without being stopped in the isle 1/2 way through. This list could go on and on....but before I go too far, I want you all to realize this...

These are the people that have helped me through this TERRIBLE ordeal in my life. I don't want any of this to be taken wrong!! My main objective or goal in this post is to let everyone know that I just want to be "The Simple Girl". Just Me.., Jennifer!!

Many of you probably know...I am a huge Facebook Junkie. I have met some wonderful followers on there and have found lots of things in common with people who knew me....long before I knew them! It has been great getting to know these people, but I guess I am sometimes worried that my "FB Image" won't live up to the "Caring Bridge Image". I had to be someone I never thought I would have to be on the Caring Bridge. A mother, who was in her deepest darkest hours taking care of her daughter who didn't stand a chance of surviving this damn disease we call CF! I hope I found a way to do it with dignity and grace along the way, but reality is....I am still just a person!

Like I said before in my blogging, it is sink or swim for my husband or I. We do a lot of "surface thinking" to try and keep going everyday!! I have found somewhat of a new lifestyle as I am enjoying new things in life with Rich & Brenna and spending a lot more time with friends and just "living" a bit!

I often hesitate about things I do or pics I put on FB because I don't want people to "judge" me in case it's not what they expected from what they "knew before", but then I tell myself....this is me and I am who I am!!!!

For instance my "Weight a Minute" blog post.....HUGE, HUGE out of my box post!!! But again...that is my story and my true friends will still like me for who I am now just as they did then!!

Hopefully the "new" me that is beginning to show through will be accepted by all of my friends and followers. I am trying to find a new way of life, because I do will NEVER be the same as the life I had before Haley left this world......
I have said it many time....I would take that life style back in a heartbeat, but no matter how hard I beg for it will never be reality!

While talking to a dear friend tonight, I believe I realized that it is probably not any of you who are making me feel guilty about "moving forward", but more own guilt inside. I know this is what Haley would have wanted for our family, but no one will ever know how very hard it is to start this new life unless you have walked in these shoes!! After living for 35 simply have to "start all over" one day!! I hate facing this life after loss, but it is what it is and I have have one of 2 choices!! I just pray I am making the right decision!!!

I love this song and it is exactly the way I have been trying to live my life lately! I hope you all continue to follow me on this new journey! Again...It is YOU and God who have carried me this far.....


  1. I think you are doing the best you can and I love you for you! People shouldn't judge you in any way and if they do they are not your real friends. No one has to walk in your footsteps and no one knows what it is like to have gone thru what you did or what your future will bring so just get out there and live. Life is now so live it... thats what I try to follow and I know that Haley is SO very proud of you, Rich and Brenna!

    Keep on keeping on! You are doing GREAT!


  2. Jennifer, you've gotta be who you are! You won't please everyone all the time so don't even try. Just be yourself and true friends will always be there for you!
    Am here praying for your family!
    John 16:33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

  3. Jenn, as I told you last night, I have so much respect and admiration for you and the way you are moving forward and building a new, different life for yourself and your family. This does not mean that you are moving away from Haley, or that you didn't love the life you had with her. Your years with her have helped make you the person you are today. You have strength, courage and wisdom because you are her mother. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you and Rich because your "new normal" is so different from your "old normal".

    We all know that one thing Haley taught us all was to enjoy our lives and every moment we are given. I know she is proud that you have dug deep and found the strength to move forward and enjoy your life again. You are truly honoring her memory and her legacy by doing that.

    I love seeing you laugh, smile and have fun. I can tell it's genuine happiness and that is wonderful. I know you have many, many sad moments that we don't see, but those happy, joy-filled moments remind me so much of Haley. I remember meeting her for the first time. I didn't know about her CF then. I just remember asking David's teacher who that sweet, little sunshiny girl was. I love seeing that sunshine in you again.

    I'll leave you with a quote from the great philosopher Dr. Seuss:

    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind". ~Dr. Seuss

    Love you, girl!


  4. Jen. Simply put, I think you are amazing all the way around. And those photos? Still your lovely face and awesome personality, but if the way you look now after the commitment and all the hard work? You should show those pics all the time, how inspiring! I only "wish" I could be more like you, as far as stepping outta my box and living more. I love my life as it is. But alas, I am a homebody! I like the way you do it all....LOL. Maybe when I'm on a more normal schedule again! Right now, I mostly think about sleep alot!

    smile, lots of peeps love ya!

  5. We are always our own harshest critic. I know from experience. None of us will ever live up to the perfect standards we set for ourselves in our minds, at least no one still standing on this earth. Life is a journey, not a race, and each curve in the road brings new experiences and feelings and who we are today is shaped by the past but NOT determined by it. It's the choices we make EACH day that make us who we are. I, for one, am so glad to see you beginning to step out into this new life and find your footing. I think any of us who know you would say that this is a good thing that we know Haley would have wanted, absolutely!